u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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