It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
