I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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