sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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