Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
