sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
