I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
