In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
