I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
