His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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