I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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