Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
