I don't usually arrange sex via text message
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
