you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
