Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
