Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
