you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
God, I missed his penis.
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