I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
