shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
