my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
