I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
