imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
