I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
