what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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