Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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