I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
