Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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