wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
