i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
