I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
