i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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