I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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