I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize