I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
