wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
