I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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