i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
