i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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