So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
