What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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