Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
