i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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