It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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