I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
