My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
