Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
