***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
