Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
