i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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