Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
