My sheets look like a crime scene.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
